I'm a raging psychopath, but only to the one person in this world who has always been there for me and has always loved me no matter what I have done or not done. I am super nice to everyone in my life the people who have hurt me more times then I dare count, the people who always let me down, the people who only use me for what I can do for them.
 |
| This was me when I was "fat" |
I dated a guy who told me on a daily bases that I was fat and ugly and no one loved me. I listened to this from him for 3 1/2 yrs. One day he said something to me that hurt so bad I packed my bags and I left. He said "I don't care!" Apparently it was ok for him to think and say horrible things about me but I couldn't take someone not caring. Not any more I never felt as if my mom or dad or sisters cared about me. They never said they did, my mom never said she loved me. In my entire life everyone including my mom no one has ever told me they were proud of me or that I was worthy of anything, happiness,love.
To this day I have never told my mom what I think about how she raised me, I never got to tell my dad how much he hurt me. I blame myself for things that happen to people I love because I feel like I should have done something to stop it when in reality it was on someone else to do that. I know in reality I couldn't have stopped it I don't have the power. I still blame myself. Just because we know something to be true doesn't mean we can believe it.
 |
| 10yrs ago, see how happy he makes me. |
So I let all of this hate towards the people in my life who have hurt me boil up inside. Do I tell these people what I think? How they have hurt me? No, instead when my fiancé makes me mad because he didn't wake up with the kids one day because he didn't feel well, or he didn't get the laundry out of the dryer I turn into this other person this person I don't recognise.
That's a lie because I do it's my mom, I throw things I yell I say things with out realizing they are even coming out of my mouth until the damage is already done. You can't take back words no matter how badly you want to you can't. we can't un-hear the hurtful things people say to us.
I love my fiancé I don't want to hurt him I don't want to say things that I don't really feel towards him. He always asks me why I do this why I take all my frustrations out on him. I always lie and say I don't know. I do because I know or I think he will always be there. If I say my peace to him and be a crazy person he will love me and stick by me and never leave. I fear so badly if I tell my mom how I truly feel, how badly the things she didn't say or do as a kid hurt me and effect me, that she will leave. She will say "oh well" and be gone and I will never see her again. He is the only person who has really made me feel loved and I abuse his love. Still not really sure why I do or why I think it's ok.
 |
| a few moths ago...see he still makes me so happy |
This amazing guy has dealt with my craziness for almost 10yrs, why he hasn't ran for the hills yet I will never know. How many more years he deals with it hopefully I will never know that either. My plan is to go back to therapy get a lot of help and figure out why I do these things and stop doing them.
