My Confession................

I'm a raging psychopath, but only to the one person in this world who has always been there for me and has always loved me no matter what I have done or not done. I am super nice to everyone in my life the people who have hurt me more times then I dare count, the people who always let me down, the people who only use me for what I can do for them.

This was me when I was "fat" 

 I dated a guy who told me on a daily bases that I was fat and ugly and no one loved me. I listened to this from him for 3 1/2 yrs. One day he said something to me that hurt so bad I packed my bags and I left. He said "I don't care!" Apparently it was ok for him to think and say horrible things about me but I couldn't take someone not caring. Not any more I never felt as if my mom or dad or sisters cared about me. They never said they did, my mom never said she loved me. In my entire life everyone including my mom no one has ever told me they were proud of me or that I was worthy of anything, happiness,love.

To this day I have never told my mom what I think about how she raised me, I never got to tell my dad how much he hurt me. I blame myself for things that happen to people I love because I feel like I should have done something to stop it when in reality it was on someone else to do that. I know in reality I couldn't have stopped it I don't have the power. I still blame myself. Just because we know something to be true doesn't mean we can believe it.

10yrs ago, see how happy he makes me. 

So I let all of this hate towards the people in my life who have hurt me boil up inside. Do I tell these people what I think? How they have hurt me? No, instead when my fiancé makes me mad because he didn't wake up with the kids one day because he didn't feel well, or he didn't get the laundry out of the dryer I turn into this other person this person I don't recognise.

That's a lie because I do it's my mom, I throw things I yell I say things with out realizing they are even coming out of my mouth until the damage is already done. You can't take back words no matter how badly you want to you can't. we can't un-hear the hurtful things people say to us.

 I love my fiancé I don't want to hurt him I don't want to say things that I don't really feel towards him.  He always asks me why I do this why I take all my frustrations out on him. I always lie and say I don't know. I do because I know or I think he will always be there. If I say my peace to him and be a crazy person he will love me and stick by me and never leave. I fear so badly if I tell my mom how I truly feel, how badly the things she didn't say or do as a kid hurt me and effect me, that she will leave. She will say "oh well" and be gone and I will never see her again. He is the only person who has really made me feel loved and I abuse his love. Still not really sure why I do or why I think it's ok.

a few moths ago...see he still makes me so happy 

This amazing guy has dealt with my craziness for almost 10yrs, why he hasn't ran for the hills yet I will never know. How many more years he deals with it hopefully I will never know that either. My plan is to go back to therapy get a lot of help and figure out why I do these things and stop doing them.

9 years ago  I met the most amazing man. I was newly single and not looking for anything more then a good time. My aunt insisted I meet a friend of hers. Reluctantly I blew of a friend and met this guy she couln't wait for me to meet.
These two guys walk in the front door as I'm walking out of the bedroom. Instantly this tall blonde headed green eyed guy catches my eye and I'm thinking "please to God let him be the one". My aunt introduced us and it was him.
We played cards had a few drinks and a lot of laughs. He was attempting to teach me to play cards and he and his friend kept messing up and dealing the wrong cards. He spilled his beer on me. in all aspects it should have been the worse night ever.
After he left I knew I could not go home to my mom's even though I was 20 I didn't want her to smell the beer and cigerettes on me. I spent the night atmy aunts and we talked about him all night. I think I knew then that he was the one I kept lying to myself saying it wasn't going to turn into anything because I was scared I had just come out of a very bad very long relationship.
We went on a few dates and I had my aunt or mom double with us every time because I was afraid to be alone with him because I knew I could not trust myself around him. Our first date was to the fair my mom and step-dad and my aunt and his friend went with us, we had dinner at the Olive Garden first. Our second date was fireworks with my friend Brandy and her family. After that we went to the bar and he tried to teach me to play pool. Our first time going out alone was after we watched movies at my aunts with her and his friend. We all fell asleep watching this super boring movie well he and I woke up at about 1 am and decided we were hungry so we went to Denny's. July 13th he came over to visit but my aunt had a lot of people over so we left and went to a motel, he asked me to be his girlfriend it was the sweetest most romantic thing ever it was so cute how he said it. I just smiled and kissed him.
Next year on our 10 year anniversary we will be getting married. All I have ever wanted he has made come true. He gave me my two beautiful children and a love I have never known.

babies grow up...

Sometimes it's hard being a parent. I'm not saying it still isn't the best thing I've ever done but it is hard. When you think about having children of your own what you picture is picnics in the park, teaching them to ride a bike, Christmas morning and the look on their face when they open the one thing they wanted all year. What you aren't imagining is the tantrums, the fights and it's mines, you don't think about when they grow up and become teenagers and the whole new list of tantrums and fits. The I wants and it's not fair. Kids are not easy anyone who tells you they are is a big fat liar. I love my children with all my heart and could not imagine my life with out them. With that said They drive me insane. It's a good crazy that I would not trad for anything in this world. I think every day if I hear "mommy" one more time my head may explode. If I hear "give it back" again I might just run away and never come back.
Then I hear "here sister I will do it for you" "lets play hide and seek, I'll show you how" and "thank you brother" or I see my son helping his little sister put on her shoes, or my daughter's eyes light up when her big brother shares his favorite toy with her. My heart melts and I think God all over again that I was given the chance to be their mother.
So when you are dreaming about your future with that special someone don't forget children grow up they aren't always babies but all that time from the day they were born till the moment you die it's all worth it. Every fight every "I hate you" or "your so mean" it's one more moment one more day you have with them.

perspective

Sometimes I think my life has caused me to have a different perspective then other people. I know that’s kind of the point but I’m just saying. A friend asked me a question tonight and it made me think, I know scary huh.
I have made sacrifices in my life some by choice some not. A few years ago I was a new mom and not in the best place in my relationship. My fiancé and I got laid off from our jobs at the same time and we had a one year old son to raise. It was by far the scariest moment in my life. How was I going to take care of this little boy on what my fiancé got from unemployment?
It was hard very hard but we made it work. Some days my fiancé and I didn’t eat some days we ate once a day. We had to make sure he had food and milk. Luckily he went to daycare which was paid for by the state. I knew he had something to eat at least twice a day and all I had to worry about was one meal.
This wasn’t the first time in my life I ever went with out. My mom was a good mom she tried her hardest but she just couldn’t leave my dad or say no to him. Sometimes he would take what little money we had and buy beer. We would go with out food or sometimes my mom would have just enough left to buy maybe some potted meat and a loaf of bread. We were thankful for whatever we had.
I vowed my kids will never know this kind of life. I know my son was to young to remember this time in his life and for that I will forever be grateful. I will do everything in my power to insure this never happens again.
The point of this was that because of these moments in my life I make sure my children eat even if it means me cooking three separate meals or letting them eat later then everyone else. My son’s doctor has told me that he will not let himself starve he will eat before then, if I withhold food eventually he will eat what is offered. I just can’t do it, I tried I really did but I could not bare the thought of him being hungry and knowing there is food and that I refused him. I may have gone hungry before but never when there was food available to me. When I told her that I would be making and sending his lunch once he got into school I was told I enable him, whatever you want to call it that’s what I will be doing.
I think that the hardships we endure in life make us stronger but I do not want my kids to have to be that strong. I want them to know there will always be someone there for them a place they can go to for a bed, warmth, food, and most of all love.
 We all have different opinions and different views I'm not at all saying mine is right or she is wrong for handeling her situation the way she did. We are all just doing our best and I do believe she is a good mother and doing the best she can, the same as I believe I am a good mom and know I'm only doing the best I can.

Happily Ever After

I honestly don’t even hate him anymore but because he was a big part of my life and how I ended up here I thought I’d go ahead and add a chapter about him.

When I was homeless for the umpteenth time, my mom met this really nice lady who took us in, only problem was she had this really obnoxious nephew. I hated him so much, he was a jerk to everyone, he thought he was so cool and he wasn’t.

One of my many plans to run away from life was to go to a boarding school. I left on a plane alone flying to an unknown place all by myself. I was in the ninth grade, very scared but hopeful for a fresh start. I didn’t last long at this school. It had changed a lot since my mom and grandma had gone there. It was now a school for “troubled” kids, pretty much a last resort before jail. I got lucky and got a dorm in the honors dorms, I met my roommate she seemed really nice. One day I was called in the councilor’s office. I couldn’t figure out why I was such a goody two shoes I knew I couldn’t have done anything wrong. Apparently this girl thought I was stealing from her. I was pretty much warned that she wasn’t or hasn’t always been the nice girl I knew her to be.

One day I called back home and was talking to my niece who at the time was only three. She was asking me if I had Barbie sheets, which made me miss her and I started to cry. She gave the phone to my mom who only said “I’m on my way”

Well my mom didn’t come to get me but that really nice lady and her sister and my sister and of course they really obnoxious guy I couldn’t stand did. We drove home making a few scenic stops along the way. Being in the back seat with someone for two days really makes you bond with them.  We talked about everything, about our families, about how much we hated our lives, about what we wanted to be when we grew up. You know all the deep stuff fifteen year olds talk about.

I still hated him once we got home; I told everyone I hated him. I told myself I did too.  A few months went by of me hating him. We talked a little, but I mostly just hated him. Well things got sucky at home so I asked my mom if I could stay with that really nice lady. Things didn’t work out like that though but that nice ladies sister said I could stay with her as long as I still hated her grandson and of course I did. A few weeks of hating him passed and we ended up making out and didn’t stop for three years.

Hate turned into like, like into lust, and lust into love. I truly loved him. I was eventually able to tell him everything all of my secrets and he told me all of his. Life was good. Until one night I had to pee, his friend was spending the night and he was sleeping in the same room as us just in the other bed. When I got back in bed with my boyfriend he wouldn’t move so I had to lay on the outside edge of the bed. We woke up and he accused me of having sex with his friend. I swore nothing happened but of course he didn’t believe me.

That should have been my red flag, I didn’t listen I just told myself it was because he loved me so much. Time went on and little things happened like a male friend lending me a jacket because I was cold and him flipping out, to me going to church with my best friend. He had the usual responses. I love you, I don’t want to lose you, and you’re the only person who cares about me. I believed him; I told myself it was just him showing his love.

We both dropped out of high school moved out and got our own place. Eventually we moved to Florida, he had family there. It was supposed to be our fresh start a life of our own. He moved there first got a job and a place. He sent me a plane ticket and I packed up what I could and left. Once again alone and on a plane headed to a place I had never been. Headed to life I was unsure of. Things were good we had a place of our own, we had a real life. I started a job and was making friends. I made friends with one guy who was about two years younger than me; he was really nice and went to church. He asked me to go to church with him, I really wanted to I had always enjoyed it. I mentioned it to him and he was furious. He told me only want to have sex with this guy. I stopped befriending people in fear of what he would say or do. A girl I talked to at work told me her mom ran a maid business and said she was ask her mom if she needed help. I got a job with her and met a nice girl a few years older than me. She was a site, she was covered with piercing and tattoos. If you didn’t know her you would probably cross the street when you see her coming. She was the nicest person so sweet and kind hearted. He didn’t like her of course. She invited me to go with her family to Sea World I had never been anywhere like that before. I asked him in front of her and of course he had to say yes.  I went with her family we had such a good time. On our way home they had the roads blocked because there was a forest fire and it took us hours to get home. I came in at around two in the morning. He was up of course; he yelled at me cussed me told me I was sleeping with her.

 I ended up quitting that job because he didn’t want me around her anymore. It wasn’t a few weeks later and he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he was going to start dating this lady who lived down the street who was older than his mom would have been if she were still alive. A lady who had once told me she thought of us as her own children. My sister came and got me. I went back home and I tried to forget about him.

I stayed with my mom and got a job, guys asked me out but I wouldn’t go I still loved him and felt it would be cheating even though he was with another person and I knew it. A few months passed and he started calling me begging me to take him back. After about six months I finally did. He and his uncle came and got me. He bought me roses and told me how sorry he was and how things were going to be different. I went back but I didn’t move in with him right away, I didn’t trust him. I stayed with his uncle and his uncle’s girlfriend. Of course he didn’t like this so he made problems until his uncle said I had to go.

 Once at his house things were good, for a while anyways. I got another job, started to make friends. We actually hung out and spent time together. She noticed the way he treated me and she didn’t keep her thoughts to herself. She told me every day what she thought; I made excuses for him of course. Things got worse the more I started to be independent and do things without him. Of course he accused me of having an affair with her and her boyfriend.  He would tell me I was fat, ugly and that no one in my family loved me because of they did they wouldn’t have let my sister’s husband do what he did. He threatened me all the time when I said something he didn’t like.

Wow I can’t even bring myself to type this part but it has to be said if I’m going to be honest. I had a lot of medical issues which is why I had the surgery from the previous chapter. It was very painful to have sex at times. I would tell him and I would beg him to stop but he never would. I would cry and just beg and plead, but he would never stop.  After he would finish I would crawl, literally crawl because my stomach hurt so bad, to the bathroom. I kept this small exactor knife in the bathroom hidden. I would sit on the floor thinking about all the horrible things he said to me, thinking it’s true, that I’m this fat hideous looking monster who nobody loved. I would hold this knife against my arm and press it until right before I drew blood, sometimes a little deeper. As much as I tried I couldn’t do it. All I could think of was my niece and nephew and how would they understand what happened to their aunt.

One day we were at a friend’s party and the lady he left me for came in the house looked at me and said “hi” with a big smile across her face. I left that was the last time I seen him. He called of course begged me to come back told me how much he loved me, how I was the only person who has ever cared for him since his mom died. I told him I was sorry about his mom but I couldn’t let myself be treated this way. I told him I hoped he found someone to love and that he learned how to treat her. I told him that I loved him and that I would always care about him.

I wonder sometimes if he ever changed, if he ever realized what he did wrong. I hope he learned his lesson. I hope he changed his ways. I hope he found someone he loves and they live happily ever after.

If Only I Had A Time Machine

This is hard to talk about because it is still a big issue in my life. My sister got pregnant when she was fifteen she had been dating the guy since she was twelve. He was about eight years older than her. Well they got married when she was sixteen.

On her eighteenth birthday we were living with my mom’s husband. As usual my mom had planned a birthday party for my sister. Everyone left the house early to go to the park to set things up. I wasn’t feeling well and being the middle of summer I was hot so I went in the living room and laid down on the couch. I thought I was home alone, until I heard someone walking quietly through the kitchen. My sister’s room was the only room at the back of the house. Not feeling well I just lay there, trying to fall back to sleep. I opened my eyes a little bit to see my brother in law standing in the door way. He was just kind of staring at me. Ok this part is hard because I have never said this, not to my mom, the social workers, or even Mike. He walked over to me and he brushed his hand across my butt, I was wearing sleeping shorts that were very small and a little bit of my butt was showing. He touched me skin to skin. I thought I was going to be sick. I didn’t move I didn’t know what to do.

He quickly went back to his room and as soon as he did I ran into my mom’s bedroom. I lay in her bed covered up with as many blankets as I could find. He came in the bedroom and I still pretended to be asleep. He just looked in and walked away. What seemed like forever passed and my mom’s husband came home. He must have looked for me and when he couldn’t find me he came in his bedroom. He asked me what was wrong I sat up in the bed and I almost blurted out “Kevin touched me” but before the words could come out I seen the shotgun out of the corner of my eye and I thought of the two beautiful kids who were I’m sure playing having so much fun at the park. I couldn’t say it the words got stuck in my throat. I said nothing I just don’t feel good. I asked if I could stay home and he said yes. He took my brother in law with him when he left.

Nothing happened again, for a long time. My mom left her husband and we moved away. After a while of staying with a friend of hers my sister got a place and we moved in with her. My sister had a small place only three bedrooms so I usually shared a room with my niece.  One night I woke up and there was my brother in law. He was standing there staring at me. He tried to pull at my blankets, I’m not sure if he heard a noise or what but he left. After that night I began to roll myself up in my blankets so tight I could barely move.

I couldn’t tell you how many times after that he came in my room and stand there and stare and me. Every time he would try to pull back my blankets and every time he couldn’t. I became very good at rolling myself up. Have you ever woken up to have someone standing over your bed watching you? It’s an invasion of your privacy. It makes you feel unsafe and violated.

A few years passed and I moved out when I turned sixteen, I met this guy his Aunt was that very nice lady who gave us a place to stay when we had nowhere to go. I told my mom I wanted to move back in with that nice lady because my friends went to that school. I told her whatever I thought would make her let me go. Well that lady couldn’t let me stay with her but her sister said I could stay with her as long as I did shores and kept my grades up. I said ok within two weeks I was dating her grandson. His grandma found out we were having sex so she said I had to move back home. I got scared I knew it was only a matter of time before he would try to do more things and eventually he would get those blankets off of me.

My boyfriend and his grandma left to run errands they were supposed to be gone for at least 2 hours. I had recently had surgery and I still had pain pills. I took all the pain pills I had left. I was lying in our bed hoping something would happen. They came home early he came up stairs and started yelling at me. Asked me what I did and why. I begged him not to tell his grandma. He didn’t tell her but he made me go in the bathroom and vomit. He stayed awake with me all night. The next day we stayed home from school and I told him everything I told him I couldn’t go back there and I would do whatever I have to do to make it not happen.

The next day my mom came over and said I had to go home. My boyfriend begged his grandma but she would’t listen. The day my mom’s boyfriend came to pick me up I was crying and my boyfriend looked at me and said “I swear if you don’t tell him I will” I began to beg him not to and my mom’s boyfriend stopped the truck and said “one of you had better tell me something now” I told him I would only tell my mom. He took me back to the wicked old witch’s house and I waited for him to get my mom. We drove down the road to a private beach, I told her what happened and she said I had to tell my sister. We went home and got her and I told her. She, my mom and I cried and my mom called her friend who was a social worker. We went straight to her office and I told her what happened. She talked to a co-worker and I had to tell them too. After telling more people than I ever wanted to, they told me that because he didn’t “touch” me they couldn’t do anything. They brought my niece and nephew in and questioned them.

Life went on like normal, my sister is still married to him and they have had 5 more kids since this all came out. About three years ago my sister cheated on her husband and her daughter just happened to witness it. Of course she hated her mom and didn’t want anything to do with her. She moved away with her dad and her brother. One day my sister gets a call from the school in Missouri and my niece is in the office. She told her teacher that her dad came in her room and tried to pull back her blankets.  

My sister drove all the way there before school let out. She got my niece from school; the cops were there and had talked to my niece. Want to guess what they told her? Because he hadn’t touched her they couldn’t do anything. They wouldn’t let my sister take my nephew because they said he was old enough to make his own choice and they weren’t charging the piece of shit for anything. Apparently attempted child molestation and rape are not crimes in the ole U.S.A.

My niece had the courage to tell the first time and she didn’t just lay there and let it happen she jumped up and said “daddy what are you doing?” Guess what the piece of shit told her? “You looked so much like your mom laying there.”

For that moment alone I wish so badly I had lied, I would have sworn under oath that he did all sorts of horrible things to me. I wish I had told my mom’s husband the first time instead of worrying about that shot gun sitting only a few feet away. I wish I had told my own dad. The things I would have said the lies I would have told. If only I could have spared my niece from the one moment. I hate myself for letting her get hurt, for letting her know such betrayal. I should have protected her from him. It was in my power and I allowed him to hurt her.

My "daddy issues"

I’m not exactly sure how to start this or what to say. I am trying to strengthen my relationship with my fiance and I have come to realize that I need to get over things that happened in my past. About a month ago he said something to me and it has been all I’ve thought about.  He told me I do not consider him at all. That he feels as if I put everyone else including strangers before him.

I was up late one night thinking, these words replaying in my mind.  I started thinking why would I treat the one person (other than my kids) I care about the most this way? I started to think about other times we had problems the way I had handled things, the way I had treated him. I began to see that he was right. I hate to admit it I really do, but it’s true. I thought, and I thought what could possibly cause me to treat another person let alone a person a claim to care so much about in this manner.

All of a sudden my mind started drifting to my dad, the life I had because of the choices he made and the way he lived his life. Thinking of this made me think of my brother-in law, my sister’s husband, I thought about the things I wish I had done differently, how badly I wish I had lied, how I wished someone cared enough about me to make what I said matter.

My dad wasn’t necessarily a bad father, he didn’t abuse us, and he would have killed anyone if they ever tried to. However that policy did not extend to my mom. My dad did have a drinking problem and a drug problem. Like most people who have these issues he did whatever he had to in order to support his habit. He stole, he lied, and he cheated on my mom. Things got bad when my mom found him cheating with her supposed best friend. He told her nothing would stand in his way of being with this lady, that if my mom tried he would kill her and no one would ever find her body.

I was about eleven or twelve when I realized my dad was a career thief. I learned long before that he wasn’t a good person. My mom and I were living in a shelter for women and children of domestic violence. It was maybe our second day there, we had gone for a walk to check out the town, get a few things from the grocery store to hold us over. We went into almost every store looked at a few things tried not to show too much interest so that my mom wouldn’t be sad she couldn’t get them for me. It was a few weeks before Thanksgiving which meant Christmas was not too far away. We went to one store it was some sort of magazine and newspaper store they had stuff from all over the world. I had seen a magazine and on the front of the magazine in big letters it said REWARD: and had a picture of this very beautiful mother of pearl handled serving set. I looked at my mom and said “look mom that looks just like the stuff daddy gave me” my mom hushed me and we quickly walked out of the store all of a sudden it hit me. I felt the air leave my lungs and my heart stopped beating.

My dad was a thief! He stole things from people, things people worked hard to get. Things that had probably been in their families for generations. I began to remember different times when he had brought stuff home, and then I realized I knew all along I just chose not to believe it.

My mom and I lived at this shelter for a few more weeks, we finally got our own place it was a very small apartment barely big enough for the two of us, but it was ours. Christmas came we had a small table top tree with no presents but I didn’t care I had my mom and we were safe. One day my aunt gave us a ride we went back to the shelter we had been staying at my mom said it was  just to wish the ladies a Merry Christmas but once we got there the lady who ran the place came out with this porcelain doll I had seen and secretly wished for. My mom saved up her money and bought it for me. It was the only present I got that year, and more then I could have ever asked for. I still have that doll and will till the day I die.

We lived there for a little while and things were great until my dad found out where we lived and came over drunk. He came in and talked to my mom and I saw it in her eyes she was going to take him back, again, we looked out the window as he was leaving and he had fallen under his friends truck. He was so drunk he couldn’t get in the truck. The next day I went to stay with my aunt and my mom went to visit family out of state. She came back a week later and we moved there. She had met a man.

His name was Thomas he seemed nice, he drank too but not like my dad. He took care of us for once in my life I didn’t worry about if we were going to have food, heat, water, or even a home. He worked, and a good job at that. A year later he and my mom got married. At that point I swear to the minute of them saying “I do” everything changed. He became controlling, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Fast-forward another year my mom left him. She actually left him.  We packed up our car yet again leaving behind all my friends, everything I owned and we left.

We went back to Michigan and once again for I’m not sure the number of times we were homeless. My uncle happened to be dating this very nice lady. She let us stay at her house. It was summer so we actually pitched a tent in her yard. She had a big piece of land in the country. It was so nice knowing my mom was safe, to hear her laugh and have a good time.

This guy, a friend of the nice ladies, came over a few times. It turned into a lot of times. He was nice a little dorky but nice. Fast-forward another I don’t know fifteen years and we are here. I call him my step-dad he’s not legally, but in my heart he is.  My mom is still married to Thomas, she has never told Robert (that guy I call my step-dad) that she loves him not even once. He tells her all the time that he loves her. I lost count of how many times he’s asked her to marry him. She just keeps saying “I can’t I’m already married”